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Another country

February 23, 2011

sometimes.. it all feels too much.. and like I’m not cut out for it.. any of it.. maybe with anyone.. Is that something that you can relate to?

I am not sure what I need to do. To abandon ship, to take flight while I can.. I think I can do it, turn around, scud my oars. I know I couldn’t love again or do this again, too hard, too intense. I  know I have stuff invested but in a sense, that doesn’t even figure here. So what if I got the job in the states? I would go, without him, I can do alone, I can do heartbreak. I’ve done it over and over and I dont’ want to do it again, so if Ido, this will be the last time. The last time for love. It feels almost unbearable, but there are other ways, other ways to love and other things to do with one’s life. I know that if MB and I can’t make it through this time, we are over…

I tried to make it right with him, tried to talk, in an adult way, but he pulled the blanket over his head and told me to go away. He refuses to engage at all and it makes it so hard.. I know just walking away is the right thing to do.. I am upstairs and he is downstairs.. and Love seems very far away. Another country..

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