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The book says, we might be through with the past, but the past ain’t through with us.”

January 24, 2011
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So i was reading the Captain’s Good Advice, and got to thinking about the last past particularly. If you haven’t read the post you can do so here, but in brief. My boyfriend used to be a heroin addict, but now he’s a methadone addict.

When we hooked up I was sort of in the dark about his ‘past’ but fell in love with him and gradually, as our relationship has grown, I’ve come to learn more about his former life. He’s not actively using heroin, but nor is he in what some people would call ‘active recovery’ going to meetings etc. He’s on a low dose of methadone and after years of not working, or doing shitty jobs that he couldn’t hold together because of his addiction, he’s now beginning to pursue his dreams of making a living from his art/photography and more.

This blog is about my life with him, and also my shared addictions and recovery from them  (or partial recovery, as I don’t want to recover from being a Tango Addict).  I’m glad I kicked the booze, however.

Since I’ve started writing this blog, I’ve had to also contend with his ex-girlfriend with whom he’s shared nearly all his adult life either as a couple or as (dysfunctionally, in my view) close friends.

Until I came along. Now, things are different. I’m pleased to report that as per the Captain’s advice I’ve disengaged, let her go and not bothered about it anymore. I figure that our relationships is important enough for him to want to preserve it all costs, and further, if he really wanted to ‘be’ with her, he would. But he’s not. He’s here, getting his life together.

Of course old habits die hard, quite literally, and as the Captain advised, think carefully about the past and how you engage with it. It’s true that MB’s past is very much part of who is he and, of course, conversely, why I love him. I do secretly love that he’s done all kinds of dodgy stuff and yet is, vastly intelligent, aware and funny. YES I cringe to think of him, doing you know, but he’s HAD the experiences and learnt from them. Sadly, however, Heroin is a hard act to come back from…

The Captain again…

If the story you tell is “We were schoolmates, then…mumble mumble…a bunch of totally unimportant stuff happened… mumble mumble….THE SHINING MIRACLE OF OUR PRESENT LOVE” you risk treating him like a whole part of his life wasn’t real.  If he opens up to you about that time, be aware of your own anxieties and watch yourself for judgmental statements, even ones that seem to be supportive on the surface, like “Oh well, but you’re not like that any more!”  “Good thing that’s all over!”  Then he will feel judged and like he can’t talk to you about it.  Be careful also about saying negative things about her behavior during that time, because a lot of it could probably also apply to him.  You don’t want her to become the living metaphor for all the things about his past that you wish weren’t true.  You really, really don’t want that.

No, I dont’ want that. I’m accepting of the past. I often think, or rather we often wonder, what if… we had got together when we were 15 and he hadn’t gone down the road he went down.. Would we still be together? Would I have gone down that road?

A thousand possibilities, a missed opportunity, a second chance.

No, I’m glad he’s through with the past, but I am aware it may not be done with us….

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