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Only connect

January 15, 2011
Only connect

In discussing our various fuckups, addictions, compulsive behaviours and so forth MB and I often find similarities, where he describes feelings of euphoria, wellbeing, physical comfort in his (former) drug use, I find, or have found those feelings in my dance, in the exquisite little pockets of intimacy that come with tango. So, the tension between us arises from my need, and desire for intimacy,  vs his desire and need to escape and be cocooned in a  solitary world of warm numbness. Hence his endless hours spent on the computer composing on Garageband (recent fixation!) or facebooking endless links from YTube (last weeks compulsion!).   We connect in our intense moments of togetherness, merging into one another via the physical act, or by long conversations where we speak of how great our love for one another is. But these moments are brief, as we then slip out of connection, as he disappears into his own world. And increasingly, I into mine.

I feel abandoned and that horrible sense of not getting what I want, at the expense of what someone else wants, rears its head.. Then I hate myself, for becoming that whining, needy bag of unresolved childhood issues and wish that I could medicate the lot of them away. But to do that, I would lose my awareness, my ability to tune into someone else and dance with them, and I’m not going to give that up, for anyone. I hate that I am straight sometimes, that I feel everything, without being able to numb the feelings away with drink, with drugs with anything. For me, I am confronted with it all, the anger, the fear, the abandonment, the UNCOMFORTABLE feelings that all addicts find so hard to deal with.

Today I really considered if this is the right thing for me, the horrible tugging feeling at my centre when I woke and felt the acres of space between us. But maybe that is normal and it is me that has the terrible fears of abandonment, that I always find being triggered by being in relationships with men who cannot meet me or give me what I need.

I have no idea if I am being reasonable.  Maybe its because I dance tango and we are always searching for ‘connection’ that I search for it and want it in ‘everyday’ life as well. Opiate users are not searching for connection, they are yearning for escape and oblivion.  I feel this so keenly right now, that our addictions are fighting one another.

Can two addicts be in a healthy relationship? Probably not, and probably not if their addictions are to different things…

A lot of people chase the feeling in Tango, chase that elusive spark of connection of intimacy of what could be experienced as love, in those dances… Opiate users are chasing too, but the difference is, sooner or later, as MB attests, you are running from the Dragon.

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