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Another country

February 23, 2011

sometimes.. it all feels too much.. and like I’m not cut out for it.. any of it.. maybe with anyone.. Is that something that you can relate to?

I am not sure what I need to do. To abandon ship, to take flight while I can.. I think I can do it, turn around, scud my oars. I know I couldn’t love again or do this again, too hard, too intense. I  know I have stuff invested but in a sense, that doesn’t even figure here. So what if I got the job in the states? I would go, without him, I can do alone, I can do heartbreak. I’ve done it over and over and I dont’ want to do it again, so if Ido, this will be the last time. The last time for love. It feels almost unbearable, but there are other ways, other ways to love and other things to do with one’s life. I know that if MB and I can’t make it through this time, we are over…

I tried to make it right with him, tried to talk, in an adult way, but he pulled the blanket over his head and told me to go away. He refuses to engage at all and it makes it so hard.. I know just walking away is the right thing to do.. I am upstairs and he is downstairs.. and Love seems very far away. Another country..


Tango Boy Methadone Girl?

February 9, 2011

Happy Days!

As I write this MB is downstairs working on a website – and listening to Tango music.. He’s decided he wants to pursue it.. Even though he’s flagrantly shown NO interest whatsoever in coming to Tango the last few weeks (and we’ve been fighting, again!) we’ve now climbed back into the nest like two little fledgling birds, cooing and billing together..

He’s so good at dancing, that is the annoying thing, he’s naturally gifted and COULD be a fantastic leader, if he wanted to pursue it.. I asked him earlier, while he was doing his designing thang, why he didn’t put as much effort into his dancing and he smiled his sweet smile and widened his bambi eyes.. “Cos I dont’ LOVE it like I love designing”

Guess you gotta love it

As for me, I’m drowsy and sleepy in bed, a strenuous yoga class and late evening meal have rendered me incapable


Sole, Lundy, Fastnet…

January 29, 2011

Southeast veering west 5, increasing 6 to gale 8, perhaps severe gale 9 later. Rough, increasing very rough or high. Rain then squally showers.

So, as the shipping forecast so reassuringly predicts. Life chez me and MB has been, predictably, squally.  Its been a weird day today as I went off to Tango last night, alone. Hopeful that MB would join me at the milonga and then some lessons with these great teachers today, but  no.. He’s been totally wrapped up in the world of Twitter, FB and Egypt and turned himself into a kind of roving desk-bound reporter, filing his copy as events unfold. Except he isn’t, he’s stuck in a small town, hating it, and probably hating me when I get scratchy.

After the squally shower when I stomped off last night and then refused to talk or come home today, I thougth things might be different when I got back. They were, for a bit. But he’s obviously double dosed as we started to watch a film and he dozed off..

I feel really annoyed. Because I know he stayed up late last night tweeting and whatever. I hate that he can just ‘check out’ of our relationship when he wants, and placate me with ‘I love you’.

I hate that he has the means to do that. I hate that I’m angry about it. I hate feeling these things.

perhaps severe gale 9 later

Old habits die hard for ageing addicts | Society | The Guardian

January 26, 2011

Old habits die hard for ageing addicts | Society | The Guardian.


The book says, we might be through with the past, but the past ain’t through with us.”

January 24, 2011
tags: ,

So i was reading the Captain’s Good Advice, and got to thinking about the last past particularly. If you haven’t read the post you can do so here, but in brief. My boyfriend used to be a heroin addict, but now he’s a methadone addict.

When we hooked up I was sort of in the dark about his ‘past’ but fell in love with him and gradually, as our relationship has grown, I’ve come to learn more about his former life. He’s not actively using heroin, but nor is he in what some people would call ‘active recovery’ going to meetings etc. He’s on a low dose of methadone and after years of not working, or doing shitty jobs that he couldn’t hold together because of his addiction, he’s now beginning to pursue his dreams of making a living from his art/photography and more.

This blog is about my life with him, and also my shared addictions and recovery from them  (or partial recovery, as I don’t want to recover from being a Tango Addict).  I’m glad I kicked the booze, however.

Since I’ve started writing this blog, I’ve had to also contend with his ex-girlfriend with whom he’s shared nearly all his adult life either as a couple or as (dysfunctionally, in my view) close friends.

Until I came along. Now, things are different. I’m pleased to report that as per the Captain’s advice I’ve disengaged, let her go and not bothered about it anymore. I figure that our relationships is important enough for him to want to preserve it all costs, and further, if he really wanted to ‘be’ with her, he would. But he’s not. He’s here, getting his life together.

Of course old habits die hard, quite literally, and as the Captain advised, think carefully about the past and how you engage with it. It’s true that MB’s past is very much part of who is he and, of course, conversely, why I love him. I do secretly love that he’s done all kinds of dodgy stuff and yet is, vastly intelligent, aware and funny. YES I cringe to think of him, doing you know, but he’s HAD the experiences and learnt from them. Sadly, however, Heroin is a hard act to come back from…

The Captain again…

If the story you tell is “We were schoolmates, then…mumble mumble…a bunch of totally unimportant stuff happened… mumble mumble….THE SHINING MIRACLE OF OUR PRESENT LOVE” you risk treating him like a whole part of his life wasn’t real.  If he opens up to you about that time, be aware of your own anxieties and watch yourself for judgmental statements, even ones that seem to be supportive on the surface, like “Oh well, but you’re not like that any more!”  “Good thing that’s all over!”  Then he will feel judged and like he can’t talk to you about it.  Be careful also about saying negative things about her behavior during that time, because a lot of it could probably also apply to him.  You don’t want her to become the living metaphor for all the things about his past that you wish weren’t true.  You really, really don’t want that.

No, I dont’ want that. I’m accepting of the past. I often think, or rather we often wonder, what if… we had got together when we were 15 and he hadn’t gone down the road he went down.. Would we still be together? Would I have gone down that road?

A thousand possibilities, a missed opportunity, a second chance.

No, I’m glad he’s through with the past, but I am aware it may not be done with us….

A problem shared…

January 24, 2011

…is a problem broadcasted all over the interwebs.. Yes, Dear Reader, this week I had to Take Advice

I had a situation in my life that was bugging me and I didn’t feel good about it.  So, I wrote to an Agony  Person.

I have to say,  I already feel much, much better for having got the issue out in the open and Off My Chest.  In a nutshell I got the ‘Generic Good Advice Value Package:  Detach.  Listen.  When in doubt, ask questions’.  And, for the record, yes I have now Detached from the Situation and Set Boundaries.  Why didn’t I just think of this myself, I hear you ask? Well, sometimes,  it  takes a complete stranger (blogging under a pseudonym) to sort out the grittier bits of one’s life.

Otherwise, I might be dealing with THIS  kind of situation…


There’s methadone in his madness

January 17, 2011

Apropos of nothing, but MB kinda reminds me of a cockatoo. The way his hair stands up on end in the morning AND, more importantly, his nose is quite beaky.

I dont’ think many boyfriends would take kindly to being likened to a bird, but MB assures me its ok. He even did a mental cockatoo-like tango, flapping his arms and lifting his feet up and down. I do hope he hasn’t been adjusting his meds again…